I’ve never seen Java with this buzzed-up, perplexed, hang-dog expression before. There I am spending a lazy Saturday doing nothing much of anything, all relaxed and at peace when – you’re right!

Sheeeet maaan! I jus bin tru da weirdest-ass, mind-blowin, mudder-fucking, gender-bending, shit-kicking time, lemme tell yooouuu.

Not now Java.

I try to put him off. I’m just too relaxed and easy to allow this infrequent state of mind be disturbed by Java’s rants on what I am certain is another one of his strange experiences in that nether-world that he frequents all too much. I take another gulp of Lion Lager, light a roll-up and get this pirated copy of Bergman’s ‘Scenes from a Marriage’ on the machine. I remember this film from ages ago and recall how powerful it was to me at the time. I wonder if I will still be impressed after all those years and all the stuff I’ve watched and been impressed with since. I’ve been looking forward to this. I settle back.

Lissenup maan. Dis shit is fo reeal – not some figment from ma head an yo gotta hear dis story ol buddy, cos yo could be affected deeply by dis shit, yo hear me?

The credits are rolling, bits of memory are reinforced and fall into perspective, I’m amazed at how much comes flooding back after all those years. Bergman’s genius blew me away then and still does. Should be great!

Yo hear me maan? Dis shit be fo yo ears alone, so lissenup – dat movie ain’t goin nowhere an yo could catch it anytime, yeah?

He won’t leave well enough alone and I just know that there is no way I can concentrate on the movie with his incessant jabber hammering at my eardrum. I stop the disc. He starts dissecting one of his fragrant buds and just like magic the Zig-Zags have appeared, the joint is in his mouth and he lights up, drags deeply and exhales a great big cloud of smoke.

Dammmn! That shore tastes sweet maaan. Here…

He passes me the joint. I put away the roll-up I have been smoking and sample his – a distinct mango flavour. Sweet and smooth. Instant buzz.

Yo keep dat doob maaan I do myself anodder.

He goes through the motions one more time – instant realization. And another cloud of smoke billows out of his face.

Know what maaan? I be mindin ma own bizzness, jus checkin out da scene at da ‘Blues’. Band be giggin, click of da cue httin dem pool balls, folk be doin dere thaang – chattin, eye-ballin da objects of dere desire or getting ready to get it on wit someone or somting. I be wit ma brew an my special roll-up jus grooving, when up come dis chick. She come up and put her face right up against mine an in dis reeeal husky soto-voce – yo know what ah mean –  she say to me:

Java puts on his best ‘sister’ impersonation and in falsetto he goes:

Heeey there handsome, want to buy me a drink?

Her voice be like molten gold liquid flowin smoodly tru ma ears maan . I move back to check her out – nice feechures framed by dis curly hair – nigger natchural. Movin on down I see her slender neck an smooth shoulders slide on down to her cleavage. She be wearin dis low-cut red satiny blouse an her tits be full – an lookin like ripe melons ready for da squeeze maaan. Make me stir down dere. Da blouse it end at da bottom curve of her melons an from dat point, all da way down past her belly-button dat be set wit some glimmerin stone in da crevice, nearly to her crotch maan – nottin but her smooth, clear skin. An after dat her skirt start and end after maybe four inches of cloth – show off her ‘knock me dead’ thighs an legs – long an shapely – an I tink I be dreamin!

Like what you see baby?

She be comin on strong an I can’t tink why. Hey maan, yo an ah both know Java ain’t da hottest cat in town, right? So waaas up maaan? Ma mind be whizzing while ma – whaas dat word maaan, help me out here – oh yeah, I got it – ma libido- it be churnin. Ah get maself togedder an say to her:

Shuure honey. Whaatcha like ta drink?

She goes for a Margarita, so I elbow ma way to da bar an somehow get one o dem cats behind ta get me her drink. We clink our glasses togedder an I say to her:

Ah ain’t seen you here before dis. You be new in town?

She laugh. Pearly white teeth behind dose bee-stung lips maan – eenuff to get me all tensed up an lookin forward ta getting dis show on da road – yo know where I’m comin from right?

I’ve been around. And I haven’t seen you here before. You shoot pool? She aks me

Know what maan? Ah can jus get behind shootin pool wit dis chick. Can you dig da scene wen she bend over ta make her play? Dem melons be burstin out and she mus give all around some eye-poppin view of her valley. An den what about da rear view? Sheeet maaan, dat skirt be jus enuff ta cover her butt. Start a riot, she would! So ah decide not ta play an try ta keep dis beauty to maself.

Suuure ah shoot pool honey, but not tonite. Tonite ah reserve fo you alone an when we get tru wit dis place we go somewhere an make shootin stars light up da sky, yeah? How bout dancing?

So we get on da floor space now jam-packed wit hot bods – all slippin an slidin an shuckin an jiving. Da band be playin som Doobie Brudders tune an ah can jus feel all eyes on mah lady. She be sooo verrry sexy wit her bumpin an grindin moves an ah can’t take mah eyes off her luscious melons. Whoooo-wheee!

I can see Java is all excited now. He doesn’t usually get all that carried away with his stories. He’s even forgotten to drag on his joint, so I help him out with it as he continues:

Den maan, after we get done wit da dancing, we makes our way outta  da ‘Blues’ an she take me by da hand an lead me to dis Mer-ce-des sports job – all gleamin in da street light. She get in da driver’s seat an open da door fo me. I get in an off she go. She get on da main drag an after a few minutes she turn off dis side street an soon pull up by dis apartment block. We get out an pass da security maan who look like he just wake up. Go up in da elevator an get to da door of dis apartment. We go in. Like a movie set maaan verrry spiffy an up market – not like yo pad. She kick off her shoes an tell me to get comfortable, go to da system an turn on Blossom Dearie doin ‘When Sonny gets Blue’ – ol standard soundin just right for da occasion. I kick back on dis sofa dat seem like I be sittin on a cloud – all floaty an light. She get me a brew an get herself anodder Margarita – salt lining da edge of her glass. I take a sip – reeeeal smooth. Dis sister shuuure know how to fix one o dose babies. She bring out som candy and we get ready to trip. She be lookin finer dan ever maan an I can’t wait ta get it oonnn! She come over an sit by me. Put her arm around me an be stroking ma face. I am aroused by her musky perfume as she start to nibble on ma ear. You wit me man? Dis shit be getting to da interesting stage. You be noddin off maan?

Look Java, I can do without the nitty gritty details, okay?

I really don’t want a ‘ball-by-ball’ description of his most intimate experiences and can well imagine the outcome of this little soiree.

Wait just a minute maaan, dis is not som regular action scene. Yo gotta hear what happen next.

What happened?

If I don’t get this over and done with, who knows how long Java will be on this trip and keep me hanging on his every word?

I start to undo her blouse an get dose luscious melons out so I can savour da delicious fruit, when….bam, bam, bam! Someone at da door maaan. She get da blouse back on an check out who be outside tru da eye on da door. She open it up an in walk dis big-ass dude in his pimp cape an velvet skin-tight pants. Bling all over dis cat. Glitter like a Christmas tree maan. He look like he don know I am dere. Walk right by an say to ma lady of da night:

Lissen here bitch. What you be doin all dressed up lookin like a whore. Get dat shit off, we got work to do.

Ma lady look like she be scared o dis cat, an I can see why. He look like a meeean mudder-fucker man – an he still look like he don know I be dere. Weeiird shit, right?

Ma lady of da night – she start whimperin an she head for da room an start takin off her clothes. But first, she take off her hair maan – a wig! Sheeet!! Den she take her skirt – all four inches of it – off, an den her blouse an bra. Ooooh- wheee maaan, I be seein her tru da mirror in da room an what a sight. I can’t move. Da big-ass dude be pourin himself a drink – he pay no attenshun to me. Her tits be swollen and ripe, but dig what happen next maaan!! First time fo Java – yo hear me? She reaches around her waist an peels off dis ‘skin’ – tits an all!!! I just about pass out! Dis ain’t no chick maaan!  She start to take her panties off an I can’t stand it no more. I don wait ta see what be dere – I make it for da door. Da big-ass dude, he pay no attention – almos like I don exist. I don care  no more. I find da elevator an I’m outta dere man. I maybe hear her shoutin out ma name, but I’m gone. Dis shit be too weird for ol Java. But den, just as I get to da door, I see da big-ass dude – must have followed me in da udder elevator – an I know he see me now. He motions me to come over and …

Rrrriiiinnngggg, Rrrriiiinnngggg, Rrrriiiinnngggg, Rrrriiiin

It’s my phone, so I pick it up. Java stops in mid –sentence. Yes, who is it? Oh, okay, I guess I’ll have to make it then. I put the receiver down.

Listen Java, it’s an emergency. I have to go. We’ll get to this another time – when I’m back, okay.

Sheeet maaan, I’m just getting to da interesting part. Don you wanna hear dis an den go?

I know better than to engage Java at a time like this, so I get my shoes on and head for the door. The story can wait.