Java’s had the sound up on Grace Slick doing the Jefferson Airplane classic psychedelic anthem of the sixties for the third time in succession. All I know is that he came back in the early hours very confused about what he said he experienced with this girl named Alice he met at the Café on Bareass Boulevard. I’m not about to ask questions, as the result may just be what I don’t want to get into right now – or ever, for that matter. And here’s Gracie again……..

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she’s ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you’re going to fall
Tell ’em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you’ve just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice
I think she’ll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen’s “off with her head!”
Remember what the dormouse said:
“Feed your head
Feed your head
Feed your head”

Looks like Java’s done with it for the moment. He turns off the sound, lights up and heads my way.

Know what maaan? Dis sheet’s too weird for mah ass – jus can’t figure it out! Dis chick Alice dat I meet at da Café on da boulevard, she get real friendly like, an we be shootin da sheet when, jus like dat, she aks me would I like to trip? Yo know me maaan, an befo I know it we both be flyin so high dat all dose folk sittin around be lookin like a bunch of mannequins wit dere set spresshuns an characterless demeanour. So Alice say she want to move back to her pad where it be a whole lot cooler for trippin an so we move.

Her pad is like somtin outta a Dali paintin maan – ‘surreal’ aint descriptive enough an it be all I could do to maintain a sense of equilibrium. Is dat da right word maaan? Yo know, I be feelin like ‘unbalanced’ an not knowin which way or how to relate. Aaannnyway, she set me down and get me some juice – taste like nottin I ever had before – nectar maaan, maybe it be ‘soma’ dat drink of dem Gods dat da Vedas (dis be da Hindu holy book – fo dose dat be confused) be talkin bout. It make me feel sooo righteous, I never felt like dis in all da trips I be on. My entire bein be wrapped in golden gossamer maan, warm an sensuous an ……….no words will do maan – like I be one wit da universe. Know what I be sayin maan? So dere we are, not even be makin no physical contac, but even dat could’n have been mo satisfyin dan dis state of ‘bein’.She be havin da sound goin – it be an aria from Handel’s Giulio Cesare In Egitto, called Non Disperar, Chi Sa, an it soun sooo good that I be transported. Den after a while she take me by da hand an lead me into her bedroom, all frilly an art-deco combo, but da state I’m in maaan, it look reeal pretty. I be tinkin she be havin somtin in mind for us two in dat bedroom, but heellll no! She lead me tru da room to dis door dat open into a dim lit passage an she lead me on.

Da passage be such dat I don see too far ahead an after a while (time be all distorted now maan) I feel like we be tumbling and not walkin, but weird as it be I aint uncomfortable. Know what I mean? An soon enough we ‘tumble’ right out tru dis door at de end of da passage an into dis far out garden – and den maan, an I aint shittin you, I see dis big-ass white rabbit checkin out his pocket watch, an in da background dere be dis hedge wit da flowers havin a conversashun wit each odder. When dey see us dey all shout, in unison almos, ‘it’s Alice, she’s come back and brought another friend for the Queen’. Da White rabbit, he look around, den he check out his watch one mo time an say he be late an mus hurry, an he got da hell outta dere. Da flowers in da hedge, dey be all excited an all, but Alice act reeal cool an tell dem dat I be Java an I aint for no Queen, dat I be her fren and we be visitin, nottin more dan dat. Jus den, as we be startin to walk down da garden path, we hear more shouts an soon enough da Queen of Hearts make her pearance.

She come up and get Alice’s hand an start to cry. She be sobbin an snufflin bout how dat mean-ass King of Spades wit dose brodders Tweedledum an Tweedledee plotted gainst her an got to her trone an now she be witout any power an glory an she aks fo Alice an me to help her get back. She promise not to shout ‘off wit dere heads’ ever again an she promise to be good and not steal from her subjecs and never to be late for pointments and never to lie – ever again. It look like Alice don believe her (she tell me later dat dis broad be patological when comin to punchuality and lyin, an it be hard to change dat) but she sit her down on dese steps an lissen to her story tru her sobs an snuffles.

So da queen let it all hang out. She tell bout how da King of Spades take her main-man judge an dey plot to cut short her reign an how dat Red Knave play bot sides an how da King of Clubs, hidin out in da forests northwards be tryin to kill her ass, an how dat good ol King of Diamons wit no soul lose his place cos of all da cheatin da Red Knave an his pack be doin an also cos dat bad-ass King of Clubs not be letting his people cheer for him. Now, she say, her kingdom – dis Wonderland – be losin its wonder but fast, so she want Alice to help her marry da King of Diamons, so togedder dey could bury da King of Clubs, dose bad-ass brodders Tweedledum an Tweedledee an dat scumbag Red Knave. She be tellin Alice dat dere’s no fury like a scorned woman an when she get tru wit dose assholes, dey won know what hit dere asses. Alice an I, we believe dat part of it, but we don know what to tell her.

In da meantime, witout us noticing, da Mad Hatter has turned up. He introduces hisself to me as Merv – Alice, knowin him for so long never even knew he had a name. He tell da Queen of Hearts not to worry, he will take care of it – as he always did for her, he say. He tell her to wait until da stars be in da right configerashun to make her move on dat King of Diamons and den togedder dey can do da rest. He aks her for an ‘advance’, jus to cover spences, he say. An den he disappear – same way he got dere. Now it’s getting late an we both be getting tired of da Queen’s sob-story sheet, so we tell her we gotta get back, but will return to help her sorry-ass out – reeal soon. An we head back for dat door dat lead us to da passage an back to Alice’s room.

Can yo dig dis sheeet maan? I bin to Wonderland wit Alice an although I be trippin, dis sheet be fo reeal. Yo jus aks Alice – fo shuure she’ll know

Java gets his doob lit one more time and heads back to the sound – one more time – Grace Slick is on and the words still ring in my ears…

Go ask Alice
I think she’ll know…

Note – For those that didn’t ‘get it’:

Cast of Characters

Queen of Hearts = Chandi Bundi
King of Spades aka Big Brother = Pursey
King of Clubs = P.Karan
Tweedledum and Tweedledee = The Basilisk and The Goat
King of Diamonds = Runny
Red Knave = Once a Weera-ya
Mad Hatter = Vermin
Main Man Judge = Injustice in Chief