Just a few days ago Java gets this cryptic message from the Trishawmafia. It was in response to an order he made for a tee shirt that was shown to him by Long Tall Richie at the Café some weeks ago. The design on the shirt was what sold Java – a modification of the famous Rolling Stones album cover that features a tongue. It may have been from the ‘Sticky Fingers’, or more probably, from one of their ‘Licks’ series of albums and the painting used is also by some famous graphic designer whose name escapes me at the moment. Anyway, the modification included a tablet on the tongue with an ‘E’ on it – for ‘excellence’, no doubt! So he ordered one – size medium.
Two weeks later, the tee shirt still in the recesses of Java’s mind as Christmas was approaching and this was meant to be a gift for a friend, he gets the message…
Dear Mr. Jones,
Sir, your limited edition t-shirt is ready. Could you please inform us when and where we may make the exchange? Bring one crisp thousand rupee note. Come alone.
Trishawmafia
So Java did. He informed them.
Heeey maaan! We be wonderin when dis be done and now dat it is, maybe we meet at Bareass Boulevard? Time? I be consultin mah Tarot deck on dis. Yo be shuure no one know bout dis, hear? Be hearin from me reel soon.
Java
PS: What else I be getting for dis crisp tousan rupee note?
No response to that last question, but anyway, after the Tarot reading and assessing the dangers involved in dealing with this secret group of gangsters, Java did inform them of the pickup point and got an immediate answer.
The Mafiosi response:
Mr. Jones – My associate S will deliver the note to M at the corner of the Boulevard you mentioned. If you leave the note with him, we will collect it secretly and out of sight. I hope it is crisp.
Trishawmafia
So we trip on down to the corner of the designated Boulevard at the appointed time and sure enough, there’s M with the package – and with Dirty Harry by his side, for protection, no doubt. We huddle in the alley and we take a look. The shirt is there alright, but the size is ‘small’. Java complains. M is nonplussed and tries to smooth things over by telling us that he got a ‘medium’ as well, but it hung on him like a loose blouse, so he changed it for a ‘small’ and it fitted perfectly. We tell him that neither Java, nor the friend in mind for the gift is quite as emaciated as he is and to convey to the Mafia that we are pissed and will take the shirt on condition that it is changed well before Christmas. Java even sent the following message:
Hey Mistah Trishawmafia
What is dis, som kindava rip-off??? Fust, I aks for size ‘medium’ an yo boy leave a ‘small’ one wit M. An if dat not be baaad-ass enuf – I bin suckin on dat pill for nearly one hour an I don feel nuttin. What kinda chemical is dis???? I wanna have mah bread back maaan – dat, or a ‘medium’ wit a pill dat works. An dat note be crisper daan a frito when I give it to M. So yo git back to me, hear?
Be seein yo (or else!)
Java
I am apprehensive at Java’s tone, but he assures me that he has it covered in case this Trishawmafia gets tough.
And so this exchange goes on between Java and the Mafiosi until finally they cop to the fact that a mistake has been made and the exchange will take place as soon as they get their shit together. In the meantime Java has done some extensive undercover work and has discovered the secret website through which this group of gangsters put their messages about their deals across and if you promise to keep it to yourself, we will let you in on it.
Check out http://www.trishawmafia.com . But beware of these guys, they are a dangerous bunch of racketeers with massive underground connections as their wares will no doubt tell you more about.
Now don’t say we didn’t warn you!
7 comments
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December 18, 2006 at 6:11 am
trishawmafia
Mr. Jones,
You have chosen to discuss this matter in public, so we post our response here.
The Families held a conclave over the weekend to decide on your false claim of a botched order and as expected, they did not find in your favour. Your initial order of a Small had been delivered without fault. Your claim that a Medium had been ordered has been put down to confusion in your mind brought on by a rare moment of sobriety.
Do not be discouraged though- your shirt will be replaced with a Small, on account of your long-standing association with the Dutch Burgher Underworld which operates out of the Boulevard. In honouring the pact between Trishawmafia and the Boulevard, the Families have decided upon a stay of execution.
May the blessings of the Triple Wheel be upon you.
Trishawmafia
December 18, 2006 at 6:27 am
javajones
Dis be a load of ‘toro pupu’ (we hope yo comprende Espanol) an we spected som sheet like dis, as we hear yo be tryin to get rid of dis stock of ‘small’ an inferior-ass stock. No matter – now yo be rectifyin dis fuck-up. Good ting too or my Sicilian connections at da Boulevard would have taken care of yo asses.
Tanks fo dose trippy blessings, but nex time keep dose blessings and jus send dem trips.
December 29, 2006 at 5:48 am
Sophist
Mr. Jones you might want to edit your first paragraph as it reads as if the 999 wickets is also part of a first for any bowler. It is not. Our own chump Murali has over a thousand wickets to his name in both forms of international cricket.
December 29, 2006 at 8:22 am
javajones
Hey Sophist – Thanks a lot man – will do immediately!
Cheers
December 29, 2006 at 8:31 am
javajones
Sophist – I checked again, and it looks like the statement combines the “over 700 wickets AND 999 Test wickets…” as a ‘first’ , so is probably right, given that not even Murali has got both (700 plus 999). What do you think?
I got something else wrong as well, however – the last match-bag was 7 not 8 – must edit!
Cheers!
February 24, 2009 at 10:02 pm
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