God was pissed! So pissed off in fact, She wasn’t even going to grant those assholes the absolution they craved. Let them stew in anticipation of the fire and brimstone they feared so much. It wasn’t as if they were unaware that She was the “Jealous God” of the scriptures they were so familiar with, and the “vengeance is mine” quote must surely have them thinking about their fate. Didn’t they read the fucking commandments?
Ever since She came up with those commandments, God thought She had solved the problem of infidelity. That old geezer Moses had pulled it off when he came down Mount Sinai with those slabs of rock. She had a hard time at the start convincing him that this plot was what would etch his stupid name in stone, as it were, for the rest of eternity – providing that is, that he got his ass in gear and carved out what She would dictate to him. She wished he looked like Charlton Heston, instead of the creepy looking Jew he was, and made up Her mind that the next one She chose for one of Her tasks would be a hunk that She could have some fun with. Anyway, Moses had managed to do a passable job and all those cretins at the foot of the mountain had bought it.
But the problem of infidelity remained, and even though the first and second commandments had been broken by the heathens of the world and they had started loving other Gods, the flock of the faithful had been steadily growing. All those wars She had engineered to wipe out the disbelievers had gone on reasonably well, and, She figured, She had very cleverly organized it in such a way that only the so-so believers in Her were killed. That would teach them to have doubts about Her status!
The bit about not coveting “thy neighbour’s wife” was also clever, She thought to Herself, as it gave the women of the world enough and more leeway to covet “thy neighbour’s husband”. She wondered how, with all her ingenuity, those fucking men had managed to dominate the scene for so long, but as She had been working on it, She could see the strides that women were making, and soon She would lead them up the path to universal dominance.
The problem for Her, however, was that with the passage of time and the flow of information that She in Her wisdom had allowed the world to develop, the numbers of ‘faithful’ were slipping. Ever since that blasphemer Darwin came on the scene and tripped out on that desolate bit of rock, investigating the mating rituals of finches and iguanas, some of those descendants of Adam had started to doubt. She had ensured that the ‘Creationists’ were put in place to argue Her case, but they were, for the most part, another bunch of bogus intellectuals who couldn’t even dent that old fogy Darwin’s ancient theories.
It didn’t seem to matter that She had programmed Jesus to do his sleight of hand with those loaves and fish – okay, that five-thousand number was stretched a bit, but made for excellent PR – and that he mixed that watered down wine with the real thing to get the believers to increase their numbers. It didn’t seem to matter that She got him to sus out that old Lazarus’ blood pressure had plummeted and when he fell over in a faint that Her JC had quickly got to him before he came to, and asked him to take up his bed and walk, fooling everyone there to think he was “raised from the dead”. It didn’t matter that She had ‘fixed’ the crucifixion so that one of those Roman soldiers only pretended to pierce his side with his spear and old JC had chewed on enough coke leaves and magic mushroom to trip out through the entire experience, so he woke up in that cave still tripping. The numbers were slipping!
And that is why God was pissed off! The hierarchy She had put in place were more ineffective than ever. She didn’t really mind the Gay Priesthood – different strokes, as far as She was concerned. And anyway, if those Gay Priests could attract more gay folk to their congregations, bully for them. No, it was the sheer lack of initiative and oversight that the dumb-fuck, right-hand, stalwarts of Her Church who let things slip so badly, She was losing control. Look at what they let that old hippy George Carlin get away with all these years, until She had to pull his rope and get him out of the way. That would teach his scrawny ass to fuck with God, and She would ensure that St. Peter would kick his butt downstairs so that Her buddy Lucifer could give him the works.
So there was God – in heaven, sitting on Her magnificent throne, surrounded by her cherubim and seraphims, with a choir of angels and their solar-powered harps, belting out a rock version of some celestial music She had got Her favourites, Johann Sebastian and Amadeus, once they had been woken up from their Paradisian slumber, to compose for Her earlier that week. But She was still pissed off. However, being the seventh day, God rested, trying to get Her head together so that on the next day, when She got back to work, She would do what She must.
And that’ll teach them – just you wait and see!