You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2008.

Here’s another one of those e-mails from a mate which we thought may be of interest to those who go for that kinda thing – sort of like that earlier post on the astrological assessment of how folk get when boozed up to the gills. Anyway, it may make sense to you, but both Java and I don’t hold much stock in these types of assessments.

Entitled “Which Baby Are You? Identify your personality by the baby/month you were born in. It’s quite truthful”, it goes like this:

January Babies
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. Repost this in 5 mins and you will meet someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance your personality.

February Babies
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous.  Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions. Repost this in 5 mins and you will talk to someone new and realize that you are a perfect match.

March Babies

Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others. If you repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your new love in 8 days.

April Babies
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you repost this in 5 mins, a cutie that’s caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days.

May Babies

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak too much in the next 4 days.

June Babies

You’ve got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself – heck, you’ve got the looks for it! IN the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become one of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes.

July Babies
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be l oved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days.

August Babies
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an “everything’s peachy” attitude Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of “that someone”. Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by “no pain no gain” caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. “charming” or “beautiful” to everyone. stubborn. curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter. Repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month.

September Babies

Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand. If you do not repost this in the next 5 mins, someone very close to you will become mad at you in the next 8 days.

October Babies
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all. Repost this in 5 mins or you will not meet the love of your life for 10 years.

November Babies
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind. Repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up sometime this month.

December Babies
This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible… Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.  Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. [A hot new guy/girl will catch your eye & you will catch theirs too in the next 6 days, if you repost in 5 min.

So there it is. Java, being born in February, was as skeptical as he usually is:

Hey maan, if we be ‘intelligent an clever’ (like we shuurre as hell be), den how can we be ‘superstishus an ludicrus’? Don make sense!

Apologies to all who tried to access yesterday’s post entitled ‘One thing leads to another’, but we had to withdraw it, as what started out to be a bit of a shocker – news-and-otherwise – was probably a rumour. So, discretion being the better part of valour, we quickly knocked it off cyber-space before the inevitable shit hit the fan.

Suffice it to say, the rumour sparked a post that had to do with karma and since we can’t post the piece in its entirety, we though that at least the parts that didn’t refer to specifics may be interesting to some. And although this is a bit of wishful thinking, that compulsive urge to post what has been churned out, prevailed over all the other reasons to desist. So here goes:

Overdosing is one way of calling it quits and hitting the high spot that paves the way to another reality – or at least a blinding flash (or so we are told) before the lights go out.

Edited

Java, who usually has his own take on random incidents of these sorts, immediately correlated it to the cosmic law of cause and effect – known by some as ‘karma’.

Karma is a term that was coined in ancient India to describe ‘action and reaction’ or ‘cause and effect’, and is said to have originated from the Hindu philosophy. The Buddha used the term to describe the endless cycle of Samsara, until an entity is enlightened enough to break the chains of existence by ending the actions that cause the cycle of birth. So in more simplistic terms – you do something bad, and something bad will happen to you, and vice-versa. In more modern or ‘scientific’ terms, it is pretty much the ‘cause and effect’ syndrome that pervades the physical universe.

Edited

The causes for this will be myriad and to track them will be impossible, as the law of cause and effect leaves an endless trail that is impossible to follow to its origins. Suffice it to say that the ‘conditioning’ of the guy who carked it was all part of the process..

Edited

There are many stories of ‘miraculous’ changes in personalities after what are termed ‘mystical’ experiences or some severe shock to the system. So it will be interesting to watch the developments that this ‘effect’ will ‘cause’. Who knows (?), maybe the unalterable chain of reactions could lead to some very strange places that could even make this country change from the current disastrous path we’re on.

For, as the ‘believers’ put it “God works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform’ – and although Java is not into ‘God’ in that sense, he certainly gives karma high credence, and is eagerly awaiting the ‘reactions’.

So there it is – and in case anyone else heard the rumour, you will surely twig what we were on about. And for those who ‘wasted’ their time – apologies!

Ever taken any ‘medication’ to feel better, or even as a prophylactic to avoid the onset of a condition that will make you feel less than good? And most times it does help, doesn’t it? So then what about a pill that will help you to be ‘moral’ and stay away from stuff that will cause pain and distress to others and also possibly avoid any confrontation with the law? Think of the implications: less pain and distress, jails will be virtually empty, law enforcement would be virtually redundant and there would be a whole lot less stress polluting the vibrational fields. Java thinks it is a great idea.

Sean Spence, Professor of General Adult Psychiatry at the University of Sheffield, argues that, “A responsible person, a moral agent, takes account of their future behavior and its likely impact on others. Such an agent may choose to influence their future by exogenous means. If so, Pharmacology might help them to do this.” You could check it out more substantially here .

Most of us have already heard of, if not tried, ‘smart pills’ – ‘medication’ that helps enhance memory, makes us be sharper in the mind and makes us feel good about the condition the effects have. Also known as ‘brain boosters’ or, to use the preferred pharmaceutical term, ‘cognitive enhancers’, proponents of ‘smart drugs’ cite that they can increase mental energy, concentration and alertness, which in turn would help you to do better in school or at work, improve your ability to solve problems, improve your memory and increase your intelligence. There are many types of different ‘smart drugs’ on the market, but controversy exists as to whether they are everything they are promoted to be, or if it is more hype than the ‘real thing’, which is said by some to be still in the process of being tested and not yet available.

Be that as it may, it appears that a pill that will be able to make folk ‘moral’ is on the cards – at least in the conceptual stage, if not further down the line. And so the question is whether this development will be beneficial to the human race. Think about it for a while, putting your self in the hypothetical position of one who is considering using this drug. Of course you would have to gauge the degree of your immorality, and this in turn would depend on what exactly you would deem to be immoral. Religions have their own versions – like Christians have the Ten Commandments and Buddhists, the Eightfold Path – so although most of these ‘codes of conduct’ for morality exist for followers of these faiths, few of the believers actually follow them to the letter. And then, for some of these believers, guilt or fear sets in, bringing about elevated levels of stress and a series of other resulting repercussions – none of them ‘beneficial’ to the well-being of the individual or to those in that immediate environment.

Then there are the compulsive criminal types whose moral codes don’t even kick in when they are overcome with the desire to snatch a purse, rape someone or even order mass murder, for which I’m sure most would agree that treatment with ‘morality’ drugs would be in everyone’s best interests. This is where the scenario of hugely reduced criminal activities comes about, and with it, a major shift in societal problems. Wars and other acts of aggression would be things of the past – given the circumstances where ‘morality pills’ would be mandatory for all. The implications are myriad and if the drugs are all they are hyped up to be, we would be living in a totally different world, where ‘sin’ would not exist.

All this, however, would ultimately depend on your definition of ‘morality’, for, culturally speaking, what is accepted as ‘moral’ in some societies are believed to be ‘immoral’ in others.

Anyway, there’s a whole lot of food for thought here, so if you have any ideas – feel free.

Here’s something that will undoubtedly interest our mates with alchoholic tendencies and astrological inclinations – and maybe even assist those with romantic or sexual intentions (sneaky!). As the title indicates, it’s a behavioral chart for astrologically inclined boozers.

Enjoy!

ARIES Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk I say is good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you — so long as you haven’t gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china- shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler — god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI
Drinking style: Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much– they’re so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it’s just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini’s possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and un-infuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round – repetition is boring – and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker – and an extra wine with dinner, or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can’t it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists – and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get “tired and emotional” (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you’d be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance – they’re often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they’re quite aware they’re darling – Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue – and perhaps not with the one what rung them. But Leos not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expects a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure – but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked – but, oh, when they do! Virgo’s controlled by the intellect, but there’s an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It’s dead sexy (and surprisingly un-sloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, “I’m going to drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight.” A toast to the sub genius IQ!

LIBRA Drinking style: “I’m jusht a social drinker,” slurs Libra, “it’s jusht that I’m sho damn shocial?” Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to “on”) or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble – including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with every man/woman in the room or even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO
Drinking style: Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for they’ll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality- altering tool – though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they’re fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything – especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS Drinking style: In vino veritas – and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else – like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty – no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who’re you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they’re either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hookup with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative – and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES
Drinking style: If you’re a Pisces, you’ve probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality – with Liz Taylor, Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and windup in bed together for days.

The phrase “addictive personality” can be read two ways, you know.

Hope that revealed something of you to yourself (if you’re into booze) and maybe help suss out the rest of the boozers you know or want to party with.

Cheers – and bottoms up (not those bottoms, okay?)!!!

Another interesting tit-bit I got in the mail from a mate may be a pleasant change from the last few posts, although the subject of ‘sex’ seems to be still pervading the immediate environment, so here it is: Amusing, for some, and tragic for others – weird how ‘truth’ can be different – depending on the perspective, isn’t it?

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down – and shot off their testicles.

‘The old lady spent a week hunting those men down and, when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way’, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant’s desk and told him as calm as could be: ‘Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.’

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas’ testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said.

‘The one guy, Thomas, didn’t lose his manhood, ‘but the doctor I talked to said he won’t be using it the way he used to,’ Detective Delp told reporters. ‘Both men are still in pretty bad shape, ‘but I think they’re just happy to be alive after what they’ve been through.’

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.

‘When I saw the look on my Debbie’s face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself ’cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,’ recalled the retired library worker. ‘And I wasn’t scared of them, either – because I’ve got me a gun and I’ve been shootin’ all my life. And I wasn’t dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one.’ So, using a police artist’s sketch of the suspects and Debbie’s description of the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

‘I knew it was them the minute I saw ’em, but I shot a picture of ’em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them’, the oldster recalled. ‘So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door, and the minute the big one opened the door, I shot ’em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt ’em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.’

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny.

‘What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison,’ Det. Delp said, ‘especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.’

And the guy that sent it to me, ended with this line: “Deport her to Sri Lanka – we need her urgently”.

What do you think?

What started off as an anecdote on RD’s escapades whilst on vacation here a few weeks ago has generated a fair bit of interest in identities, and although I must admit the timing and coincidental aspects of it all are a bit weird – to say the least – the facts were only very slightly altered. And this, solely to protect our protagonist – the ever doughty RD.

Come to think of it, Frenchy’s vivid descriptions of ‘her’ sexual escapades were not dissimilar to those of Soixante Neuf’s – so beautifully laid out that one could quite easily ‘see’ the events as they unfolded. Anyway, we have it from Soix herself that she isn’t a cross-dressing man and she isn’t French, so that should put the matter to rest – depending of course on one’s level of skepticism. Actually, as we commented in response, Frenchy could easily have been a Burgher or ‘Eurasian’ pretending, or acting out his role with a twist to it. Whatever it was, and whoever he is, ‘she’ sure had us agog with the sheer class of ‘her’ performance. The only one who was a bit suss from the very start was Java.

Sheet maaan, dat chick be too good to be true – she be describin makin love like some dude be fantasizin bout it – and did you see her tits? No?

Come to think of it, Frenchy was wearing this outfit that had a frilly top, all puffed out so that the shape of ‘her’ breasts was not really visible. The rest of ‘her’ bod looked fine, so no one present had even the slightest inclination of anything amiss. Trust Java – ever the skeptic – to come up with something that caused a niggling doubt! Of course he didn’t divulge his doubts until very much later, so he didn’t screw up the illusion at the time.

So here we are – RD has taken it well – shattered dreams notwithstanding, and with all the excitement in a flaccid state, he is having second thoughts about that whole ‘counselor for sex addicts thing he was on about. And Java, not content with having messed up RD’s dream state has been attempting to cheer him up.

I’ve been sworn to secrecy about what exactly his mode of ‘cheering up’ RD is, so maybe when it runs its course we can reminisce.

You know how appearances could be deceiving – especially when the intent is to deceive, right? Well, Java’s been doing some snooping on anonymous entities out there – following leads, communicating with others who maybe in the know, and generally raking up some weird shit – and it’s all to do with figuring out who’s for real.

It all started with RD’s apparent infatuation with this French chick when he was over here some weeks ago. This ‘girl’, who was floating around looking rather lost at Bareass Boulevard one night when we were together with the usual suspects, caught RD’s eye, and being ever the considerate chap he is, he flashed her a smile – and that did it! There she was, as if she had known us all her life, coming on strong and doing her thing. I’m not entirely sure that RD (innocent lad that he is) sussed out where she was coming from, although I have a good idea he did sus out where she was heading. And so it went – one thing leading to another (nothing physical, mind you) until we had been told pretty much the story of her life. And what a story!

It was mostly to do with her sexual exploits – no holds barred kinda stuff. She wasn’t particularly fussy, she said, about gender – although the ‘same-sex’ interactions came rather later in her life. But it was her descriptive powers that held us spellbound – she went into the minutest detail of some of her more exciting episodes and it was all we could do to stop ourselves from entering her experience. RD was blown away – especially since it looked like she was directing her narratives in his direction. She didn’t get into her childhood or even what she was doing in the country, and when RD broached the subject, she neatly deflected the question with a suitably vague answer – accompanied by a ‘friendly’ squeeze, that put the matter to rest.

Java, however – never willing to take things at face value, thought that there was something not quite right. Maybe it was all that detail, and all the variety she was on about – anyway, since we were all leaving for another gathering at Cinimod’s hacienda, RD reluctantly joined us, but not before getting contact details in case he could catch up with her during the two days he had left of his vacation. Having the girls with him added to the complications that he was fantasizing about, but what the hell, one never knew!

To make a long story shorter, RD flew away without the chance of meeting Frenchy again, but the e-mails kept zipping back and forth (or so he said), full of more descriptions of the affairs she had experienced. The variety of her experiences – genders notwithstanding – made RD a bit apprehensive, which was when he shared his thoughts with Java and me about if we thought she was for real. And that’s when Java started his snooping.

Now I’m not entirely certain that Java’s right about this – and his story about how he arrived at his conclusion was not altogether without its weak links – but it appears that Frenchy is, in reality, a performance artist, living his art of painting erotic pictures in his viewers’ heads.

We’re not exactly sure of how to break the news to RD – sensitive bloke that he is – one never knows quite how he will take it.

RD’s got his balls “on the line”, as he puts it and is waiting on anyone who is having even the slightest hint of a thought of getting that monkey with a hard-on off her back (I’m not entirely sure if his offer is open to men as well) to consult him on how to sort themselves out. It’s his “dream job” he says, and that process of “gradual withdrawal” from the loads of sex they had, has his head buzzing with the possibilities of helping them to slowly reduce the “amount they get over a period of time”.

Knowing RD probably slightly better than many of his readers on kottu I have to say here for all to see that he is (as he thinks of himself to be) “a kind and considerate chap, someone who wants to do his bit and to put others first”. No kidding – he really is! And if you know him as well as I do, you will also know that he is a primo sucker (no, not that kind) for a sob story, so that anyone in distress would probably be able to get him to rush to their assistance. What’s more, he is suave, rakishly handsome and most importantly, rich! Or maybe that isn’t the most important thing about him in relation to his dream job – and this is hearsay – but if he does put his “balls on the line” as he undoubtedly has, I’m told that those folk who get an eyeful will know what I mean.

So there it is – kottu’s first accredited Sex Addict Counselor – and judging from the recent increase in sexually oriented posts on kottu, not to mention the numbers of comments that are being generated, looks like the addicts are emerging to engage in their most favourite recreational activity.

Of course ‘sex addiction’ comes in many forms and addicts may not necessarily be addicted to the actions that RD has been fantasizing about. Straight-up sex, blow-jobs, eating out and the ‘usual stuff’ may be fine and dandy, but would RD help them out on rim-jobs, for instance? Or fist-fucking – if their trip is to perform, as opposed to being performed on? And how about Bestiality and other (what some less tolerant folk would term) ‘ deviant sex ’? And what’s more, the addicts themselves may not all be “these fabulously wealthy and glamorous women, many of whom would have plastic surgery to give them perfect looking bodies”, there will be others as well – and some of those may not be right up RD’s street – with all those Indian and other ethnic food joints, the flower shop and what-have-you that he loves so dearly.

Be that as it may, it’s RD’s decision – and who are we to carp about it. Maybe I don’t know him all that well and he really doesn’t mind sorting out the sex addicts of the ‘all and sundry’ variety – and so more power to him, being the non-discriminatory, kind and considerate chap he is.

And as for the more than few sex addicts Java and I know – we’ll be asking them to contact RD if they feel like kicking the habit.