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Here’s another bunch of quotes sent by a mate that will amuse many of us folk that are into cricket and the other ‘finer’ points of the game. As we cricket buffs are aware, there has been a lot said about the ‘psychological disintegration” that individuals get going to get under the skin of their opponents and in the hope of getting them either distracted or so pissed off that it ruins their concentration and they lose their wickets. The Aussies probably started the surreptitious war of words that quickly got picked up by the stump microphones as technology advanced and spectators got all the nitty-gritty details of a lot of what goes on between players on the field. However, the other teams soon got hip to the Aussies’ trip and gave as got as they got – better, sometimes.

Check them out:

Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:

When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words:
“So how’s your wife & my kids?”  The reply from Botham was “my wife’s fine, your kids are retarded”.

Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:

As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.
“Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted.

Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes):

“Hey Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?”
Eddo Brandes: “Because every time I fuck your mother, she throws me a biscuit.”

Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:

During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: “You can’t fucking bat.”
Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: “Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t fucking bat & you can’t fucking bowl.

Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:

During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor.
A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed. “Tickets please,” Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:

During a test match in  the West Indies, Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries.
“This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl.”
Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture we just say fuck off.”

Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga:

And of course you can’t forget Ian Healy’s legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney: “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!”

James Ormond & Mark Waugh

Ormand had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh.
Mark Waugh: “Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.”
James Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.”

Ravi Shastri vs the Aussie 12th man (don’t remember who, and don’t want to slander anyone)

Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single.
This guy gets the ball in and says, “If you leave the crease I’ll break your fucking head.”
Shastri: “If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn’t be the fucking 12th man.”

Malcolm Marshall & David Boon

Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times.
Marshall: “Now, David, are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?”

Fred Trueman & Raman Subba Row

Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row’s legs.
Fred doesn’t say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly
“I should’ve kept my legs together, Fred.”
“So should your mother,” he replied

It’s almost certain that the present Aussie tour of India will bring about some new doozies, so keep your ears wide open.

Jarvis wasn’t at the end of his tether, although he didn’t know it quite yet. The bitches on the street held no attraction for him anymore and the one who had his gonads throbbing had so much attention from the motley bunch of suitors, that, in spite of his inner urgings, he willed himself to stay away . Confrontations that usually led to violence were not his trip, although he couldn’t really help himself when ever the scent of a fight was in the air – genetic no doubt, but he was trying to get above all that. And so, he decided to stay indoors and keep Sam and Jennie company as they watched television. It was a stormy night outside, so it was a practical move as well.

Jarvis had known Sam and Jennie all his life – ever since his single mother died. His two brothers and sister had been adopted by other folk and he had never seen them since, and knew of them only through Sam’s explanations. But he was content. Sam was a great father figure and took good care of him, so they had lots of quality time together. Sam understood his psychological makeup and although he could be a stern disciplinarian, he was also pretty liberal, so the balance was cool. Jennie, on the other hand, let Jarvis do as he pretty much pleased. Ever since he was a wee tyke, she gave him all the love and affection a mother possibly could and spoiled him rotten. And over the years nothing had changed – even when he went AWOL on occasion, chasing after some sexual stimulation. He knew that she frowned on some of his choices and often worried that he would pick up some dreaded disease, but she was always forgiving and welcomed him with relief and joy that he was back home.

And now, as he sat between them on the couch watching television – even though those pheromones were hard to resist – he knew deep down that a dog couldn’t have had it better.

What with the recent upheavals in the global financial world in general, and in the USA in particular, new strategies are being conceived by the pundits in order to inhibit, as much as possible, a repetition of the scenario. And along with the new developments in the world of high-finance, new definitions of existing terminologies are also being developed to describe more accurately their meanings. Some of these new terms were received by Java yesterday (when it rains it pours!), so we are reproducing them here for those of you who want to keep abreast of the game.

Here they are:

CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET – A six to eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

– The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my broker has made me.

– Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.

– A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

– The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

– What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

– Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

– An archaic word no longer in use.

Hope this helps you with keeping up with the market forces!

This was received from another one of Java’s mates – one who is rather well known for his alternating levels of insanity. Mild at best, but outrageous to most others even at a level that is medium for him, you won’t want to experience his antics when he is like at his peak. Anyway, this is apparently how he maintains a healthy level.

Check it out:

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down

Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice!

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with it

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso

In the memo field of all your checks, write  ‘ for marijuana

Finish all your sentences with ‘in accordance with the prophecy’

Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get

Order a diet-water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face

Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go’

Sing along at the opera

Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you have a headache

When the money comes out the ATM, scream, “I won! I won!”

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives -they’re loose!”

Tell your children over dinner, “due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go”

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity is to send this as an e-mail to someone to make them smile…

It’s called .. THERAPY

So there you go!

Java’s back on postulating about ‘reality’ and ‘maya’ – must be after that astral trip that flashed him on the hole we’re in.

Saay maaan, if da strings dat make up da warp an woof of da material dat is da universe is what holds it all togedder, what happens when dere is a tear in da fabric?

Say what?

America will be crazy to vote for President a near senile senior-citizen with a running mate who is, at best, a not unattractive, self-confessed small-town hockey-mamma, ‘Pitbull with Lipstick’, Governor of Alaska – and with not much else going for her, except for the banal half-truths, innuendo and outright lies with which she tries to put down her opponents in the race for the Big Prize. Ever since her first televised debate with Joe Biden, where she displayed some amount of poise and fluency – if nothing else of substance – the Republican think-tank supposed it was okay to let her out of the box she had been confined to ever since she displayed to the world that she was clearly out of her depth in the few interviews she gave over television. Kinda like a ‘drone’ – as in an aircraft whose flight is controlled from the ground.

And if you got the chance to watch the second Obama and McCain debate, you would have noticed that the old man had to resort to the puerile – as when he referred to Obama as “that one”! Not exactly what the world tuned in to watch – expecting more substance and less childish insults. Who are these guys trying to fool? I guess most of the Red-Neck belt will vote Republican as they usually do, but even they must have to strain their credulity to take the old man and the bimbo even half-assed seriously.

And now with not much longer to go for the election, it will be interesting to see how the race progresses and just how the ‘Palin-drone’ will fly.

Note: There’s an incisive essay by Michael Kinsley in Time’s issue of September 22, 2008, on Sarah Palin’s Alaskanomics, which you could see here, that will give anyone interested a pretty good idea of Sarah Palin and her governance.

Java returned last night from one of his astral trips and came up with this little gem:

Hey maan, da universe as we know it ain’t nuttin’ but a black hole, of a universe dat we have no concept of as yet. Dig?

Derek ‘The Nobleman’, an early visitor to this site from Tampa, Fla., informed Java that a medium named Blossom Goodchild has received a “…message channeled to her by Cosmic Beings known as The Federation of Light” that there is to be a visitation to our planet by ‘aliens’ in a spacecraft on October 14th this year, which is just a few days away. Blossom’s blog begins so:

Blossom’s most recent book “The Bridge” documents the messages channelled to her by the Cosmic Beings known as The Federation of Light. In her most recent encounters with them they have announced that one of their craft will appear in our skies on October 14th 2008 for a period of three days in such a way as to prove to us the existence of other life forms in the Universe. The Federation of Light stress that they come in LOVE to help us and our planet move to a new Higher Vibration of Love. They have asked Blossom to get this message out to as many people as possible –

And you could read more about it here .

Even though Java has had some ‘out of body’ experiences and has experienced some weird shit, he is generally pretty skeptical about the various divinations that folk put out there about such things as the ‘end of the world’, ‘the second coming’ and equally abstruse stuff. However, being relatively ‘open-minded’, he leaves openings for inexplicable possibilities. And although neither of us think that this is the only planet that harbours ‘intelligent’ life, we have our doubts that aliens will pick on one individual to relay their intentions. But then again, strange happenings occur all the time, right?

So for those of you who leave allowances for the possibilities of such phenomena, keep your eyes peeled to the skies on October 14th – just in case…

Got this frantic call from Nahorp yesterday and the first thing he asked me was if I could hear the chainsaws. At first I said I didn’t, but then after a moment or two of listening with more attention to the background sounds, I could hear the ominous buzzing.

Nahorp and his family live on the edge of a swamp, which is probably a part of the Diyawanna Oya – a wild and scrubby environment with a good number of tree species that have adapted to this very selective environment that is a habitat-haven for countless numbers of mammals, amphibians, reptiles and birds that have lived and bred there for innumerable years. Along with his neighbours – it’s a neighbourhood consisting of respected professionals, among who are some well known individuals not without ‘influence’ – Nahorp has grown a number of trees like Kumbuk (Terminalia arjuna), Flamboyant (Delonyx regia), Kohomba (Azadirachta indica), Jacaranda (Jacaranda mimosifolia), Ebony (Diospyros ebonum) and others, and a neighbour has cultivated a swathe of waterlillies and other aquatic plants that provide habitats for a number of species of wildlife. The neighbours’ collective endeavours have culminated in a neighbourhood that has many elements of life away from the noise, pollution and other negative aspects of the city, and provides bird-watchers and nature lovers in general a super spot for observation – or just pure chilling out.

Imagine the shock and horror they felt when sometime last week word spread that the swamp is to be developed as a building site for the construction of condominiums (of all things)! The neighbours gathered in an apprehensive bunch to see what could be done about halting the insane scheme – no doubt one more of those politically-motivated plans induced by huge sums of filthy lucre going to fill the already bulging pockets of our least favourite sub-species – those in the upper rungs in the hierarchy of the political animal (Homo politico despicabilus zeylanicus).

In these times when the planet is a dire straits due to the environmental disasters brought about by shortsighted policies and greed, and legislation is being hurriedly implemented in most countries including (ostensibly) Sri Lanka, we have here a violation of all that is sensible, logical, ethical and the rights of the citizens who will be affected by this abomination in the works. The Minister overseeing the environment made some reasonably good moves when he clamped down on noise pollution and even had the guts to have some Buddhist priests arrested for violation of the law, has surprisingly(?) not uttered a murmur of protest – and one can’t help but wonder why. Is it another one of those schemes that have been hatched by, or will benefit in some way, one of those in the upper echelons of power in the country, or could it be for some other reason that none of those affected by this blatant disregard for the environment and the rights of citizens have not yet figured out?

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that filling up one of the few remaining drainage catchments in the city will add to the already dire situations that occur during heavy rains and also cause all manner of problems, including flooding of the neighbourhood, destruction of habitat and the enhancing of health hazards. And besides, there are existing laws that prohibit filling low-lying lands. However, when the neighbours called on the Police to stop the felling when it began, the next day apparently the felling resumed – this time with a fresh set of Police personnel brought in to ‘protect’ the purveyors of destruction. How about that? How much more blatant can these assholes get?

So Nahorp called – and I could hear the catch in his voice when he told me what was going on and that it looked like an exercise in futility to try stopping the process in place. All he wanted to do was, at the very least, to save his Ebony tree that he had nurtured since planting it as a small sapling and he called since I have some expertise in root-balling trees for transplanting and knew of a few others who could also handle the chore. However, unfortunately for us all, the process will take up to three months for the tree to be ready for transplanting, so it looks like all Nahorp’s ‘babies’ (as those of his neighbours) will all fall victim to the chainsaw. Having planted and nurtured trees, and watched them grow for the past thirty years and more, I have no doubt as to the heartache and pain that Nahorp felt as I gave him the word.

So what do we do? Protest? But more importantly – the question seems to be, where in Hell is this country heading when laws are blatantly violated at the whims and fancies of the authorities and we sit back and take it?

You tell me.

Many changes are going on at all levels – from the global aspect, to the local, to the personal – and we’re guessing that in spite of this constant flux, little has really changed. This post actually started off being about the monsoonal winds changing and observing the first of the migrant birds landing at Flowerbook. This year was a repeat performance of the last, as the first observed migrant was the Grey Wagtail (Motacilla cinerea) on September 13th. And what was most interesting was that when we checked last year’s sighting, the first ‘Grey’ appeared on the 12th – pretty cool (if you’re into birds and stuff like that)! The next sighting of a migrant was on September 28th – the Forest Wagtail (Dendronanthus indicus).

So what all this indicates is that the winds have been in the process of changing, and that what was coming at us from the South-West is now happening from the North-East, bringing rain. This may not be all that interesting to most folk, but for those of us ‘into’ nature, agriculture and related subjects, this change is crucial to our interests, and observations help no end with all sorts of plans of action.

Change is the one constant in the universe – more consistent than the speed of light, according to Java’s metaphysical calculations, and yet, in spite of all the changes that are going on around us – here in Sri Lanka, for instance – it looks like we’re still stuck in the same old shit – up to our eyeballs!

October 2008
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Ephemeral Ruminations by Java Jones is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.
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