Like Java said a few posts back, ‘it takes all fuckin types maan, but some types are more fuckin’ dan odders’ and then just yesterday I get this mail from a buddy about an article that exemplifies our statement – only in an even more literal sense. The headline read – ‘Bicycle Lover Busted’, and went on to describe the case of Scottish cycling enthusiast Robert Stewart, who, as the piece described, was placed on the Sex Offenders Register this week after he was caught making love to his bicycle by cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel, Ayr.
The report went on as follows: Mr Stewart pleaded guilty to committing a ‘sexual breach of the peace’, the Telegraph reported, after he failed to hear the maids knocking at his hotel room door as he pleasured his bike. They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down,” prosecutor Gail Davidson told the Court, “The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex..
The latest inanimate object sex case came three years after fellow Scottish registered sex offender (and self declared performance artist) Ross Watt was placed on probation after being caught having sex with a traffic cone in front of 20 Edinburgh teenagers. British sex criminal Karl Watkins was less fortunate in 1993 when he was jailed for 18 months after being spotted by children making love to an underpass.
See what we meant? And although we were referring to commenters on blogs, the observation cuts across the widest spectrum, as the Bicycle Links at the end of the mail I received indicated. Here’s a couple in case anyone out there wants to check them out – especially those who get turned on by aromas!
http://neworleans.craigslist.org/rnr/444159800.html (RAVE: the female bicycle seat sniffers association of N.O.: ‘What we do is meet at Tulane’s campus and then we watch for girls riding their bikes to class or dorms or the library or whatever. Once she dismounts the bike, we each take turns sniffing the seat . . .’)
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=snarfer (snarfer; ‘sniffing, or putting your face on girls bicycle seats. Favored target is Chubby girls or girls with a yeast infection because of the strong aroma . . .’)
Like Java said, takes all fuckin types maan, but some types….
Okay, all right, we won’t rub it in
13 comments
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November 6, 2007 at 3:38 am
enTRpy
Holy cannoli! How in the world does one make love to a bicycle?!!
November 6, 2007 at 4:03 am
Parthi
is sex toys that unavailable? especially in Scotland? wow ppl are so desperate
November 6, 2007 at 6:59 am
Parthi
just one more clarification…is it ok to call it making love? i think its more like exercising your sexual skills..or just simply working out ..lol
November 6, 2007 at 7:50 am
javajones
Parthi – Euphemisms sometimes work better. Also, ‘making love’ is often used to describe ‘having sex’, although the latter may have nothing to do with love – but that could be a whole other post!
About the ‘sex toys’ in Scotland – I have no idea, but maybe you should check with our blogger over there! And anyway, the different strokes for different folks thing will apply to those that want to use bikes as their choice of ‘toy’. Who are we to judge what’s right or better?!!
November 6, 2007 at 7:58 am
javajones
enTRpy – imagination knows no bounds maan!
November 6, 2007 at 8:26 am
Darwin
Err..I have no idea if people ‘do’ bicycles regularly or not over here. I suspect it’s just a generalisation like deep fried mars bars, something I’m yet to come across!
Maybe it happens in Wales? You know…the Welsh man is pretty close to his sheep. Maybe it’s not a stretch to say he can love cycling too?
November 6, 2007 at 9:08 am
javajones
Darwin – “something I’m yet to come across” – you mean the mars bars or the ‘doing’ bicyles? And I’m sure the pun was unintended!!!
Hey, an dem Scots get close to dere sheep too. Did yo see dat lil ol story bout Jock I commented on in response to yo’s on dat Midnight Margarita thang? Yo dig haggis?
November 6, 2007 at 6:17 pm
SpectralCentroid
Hmmm. As weird as the act itself may be, not sure why he was charged.
“after he failed to hear the maids knocking at his hotel room door as he pleasured his bike. They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down,”
Say if he didn’t hear the maids knock and they walked in while he was having sex with a female human, would they still have charged him? I mean, arresting the guy who had sex with a traffic cone in public is a different matter, but this?
November 7, 2007 at 3:03 am
javajones
Spectral – Yeah, sounds a bit over the top to me too. Violation of privacy. human rights, etc. An we be tinkin dese Brits / Scots be liberated – sheet!
April 1, 2008 at 12:32 pm
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November 14, 2008 at 4:26 am
The Whackster
some time are definitely more fuckin alryt! haha
November 14, 2008 at 4:32 am
The Whackster
*types
October 11, 2009 at 11:56 pm
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